it is difficult to get motivated to do anything artistic while waiting on a muse.

all i can think about in the creative sense is how gorgeous the pictures of michael will be when they are done, and i can't even take them until he is here, which is several months away. in the meantime, my free time has been spent reading what few books i can find interest in, attempting to learn russian, and cooking, although i have no interest in eating anything. i want to go outside and run... just run... which is something i have never wanted to do. so what's stopping me? fear that someone will see me and think to himself, "look at all that lard shakin. she better run faster if she wants to get rid of it!" so then i think maybe i'll wait till it's dark, for a smaller chance i'll be seen, but by that time, i'm so worn out from reading, cooking, and stuffing myself, that i don't have anymore energy to run. not to mention all the stress of "how will i save enough money for an apartment for michael and i?" and "how am i going to survive another few months with my mom?" and "when can i finally have a creative outlet again?" has finally gotten me sick. i have merely a cold, but it's been so long since i was ill last, that i just feel like crud!

so what am i doing now? stuffing my face with an undercooked fudge brownie and melting ice cream, although i just finished dinner, and am not even hungry. i can't tell if i eat because of boredom, or what.

i think i'll go have another cigarette and attempt to read a new book before bed.

*sigh*